(Note: This is a post I wrote in the past when I was feeling pretty heartbroken and I couldn't talk to anyone about it so I literally poured out all my feelings in words. Originally, I typed this piece using the pronoun "you" in order to try to perhaps reach out to an audience but realized that I was in way denying that these were my own feelings. Please realize that I'm really just typing out a stream of consciousness.)

I confess. Truth is, I don’t like insert name that will remain confidential. I don’t think I even know him well enough to develop feelings for this guy, yet feelings such as being “heartbroken” can still be associated with a guy I barely know. In fact, I have always seen guys from a strange perspective ever since I was a child. Sometimes guys are a figment of my imagination where every quality I want in a guy to be is somehow represented in them. One by one, I notice similar traits of the “ideal” type of guy I want and these qualities are all suddenly projected in every guy I am attracted to. I find myself projecting qualities on a guy even when there is no evidence of him acting this way. In times like these, I am desperate for affection and guys are the perfect screen to project all my desires on from a distance.

And so, because the world I see is separate from reality, I escape from reality and pave my way through life with one manipulative tool: interpretation. Interpretation is a lethal weapon because it gives me the satisfaction of seeing things the way I want to see them, yet it pierces deep into my heart whenever I am filled with the misconception that this guy really likes me. As time passes, it deeply penetrates into my entire being and leaves be defenseless. I nervously stare forward when I am by him because I feel like he’s looking at me with a mesmerizing expression on his face with eyes full of deep longing. I would slightly pull back the hair by my ear and quickly glance to my side to catch his glimpse for a second. I am imprisoned in my own mind where my eyes purposely avert from the truth--that this guy has never once looked at me. The fact that I secretly long to be looked at, to be noticed, shows a glimpse of the chaos and erupting feelings of insecurity inside me.

The cross between reality and dreams is very thin and fragile. I picture dreams of the two of us quietly exchanging averting glances in a room, laughing at his quirkiness, holding his hand underneath the table. I picture him as a strong support for when I feel unsteady and someone to guide me when I feel lost. Being alone in this unforgiving world is frightening with no one to hold on to. A guy will make me feel worthy, feel loved, feel alive. The reality is I only really talked to this guy twice, and all the action is going on in my mind as it vividly implants memories and tricks me into believing they actually happened. Or perhaps, when I feel like I should have a more realistic approach, my hopes don’t end up happening in my mind but I cling onto hope that it MIGHT happen. This is the most dangerous kind of hope--false hope that one day my dreams may come true.

But dreams are labeled dreams for a reason, because there is an aspect about them that seem unattainable—dreams, no matter how great the intentions, are mere mirages, illusions, and hope. Nothing more. Scenes in dramas of romantic encounters perfectly woven by the tender hands of fate makes me long for a life with love. How lovely it would be to walk, hand in hand, with big hands clinging on to me as we stroll down a park, or down a town. What I would give for us to walk side by side in the rain as he tilts the umbrella more towards me in order to shield me from the rain. He would act so considerate to me and make me tea when I feel ill, respect times when I feel down and want to be alone. That perfect guy in dramas where he would reach out to me when I’m all alone and be able to instantly lift me up with his radiant, refreshing personality. The world would be centered around us, and in our eyes it would be if were the only ones that mattered to one another in this world. The camera would be panning towards us, towards me. Everything in love is about me. It's about how I want to feel. It's about how I want this attention, and I want this feeling of being needed. I want to be loved.

But when I look back at this guy I claim to “love”….he’s just a guy that I have barely known for two weeks. He is an average guy who goes on with life and our path have not intersected in the slightest. I mean, he knows I exist, and he exists in my life only in my dreams. Nothing more. He has a girlfriend. He is loved by someone else. He loves someone else. Yes, I do feel a mix anger, jealously, or disappointment, but I would say that these overpowering feelings of anger I have is directed towards myself---self-condemnation. I’m not good enough. I’m not pretty enough. My personality makes me mute, act like an idiot, and unattainable while other girls shine radiantly. Why am I so unloved? I figure that maybe the person I am is just meant to walk alone in this world, and I don’t trust my Creator to match me with someone. So I dream to compensate for what I think I will never have. I search in need for something. I don’t trust that there will ever be anyone for me, so that is why I am so caught up in my dreams. It was not that I ever loved him so that my heart is broken in two. My deepest desire to be loved by a person is broken, because reality has shown me once again that dreams and reality are separate. That I’m not the person I dream to be.

It's not that easy to change this part of me. Even if I see it happen in front of my eyes, and there is solid evidence from reality showing me the truth, these secret desires are something I can't just throw away all together. I keep helplessly holding on to this pathetic longing to be loved. Yet what I really need to do is look inside myself and ask, “Why do I need a guy to make me happy?” Am I that desperate that I need a guy in my life in this instant?

I know in my heart that I must be patient and have trust. God has already chosen someone for me, and he is out there, waiting patiently. I must be still. Once we meet, I won’t have to secretly dream of him being my lover, but I will be able to see his heart and clearly process that this is true love. True love is selfless. True love is patient. The fruit of the spirit is the result of the Holy Spirit's presence in our lives, so I figure...what I don't need is a guy. In fact a guy would actually cause more feelings of insecurity to build inside me especially now. I need more of the Holy Spirit. The center of a relationship, the foundation, should not be lust, desire, or attraction, but God. Sure, two people can be attracted to one another but if I am looking for a life long covenant. I take it for granted every day when He breathes life into me and grants me each day. I need to pray to be shaped into a person that does not have to feel worthy in the eyes of man, but worthy in the eyes of God. "God's approval, not others. God's approval, not others." I repeat this in my heart whenever I find my eyes and mind wandering. It's difficult because when you first meet some, you see that they are looking directly at you. To me, they are staring past my mask, my disguise and peering into every inch of me. I am one of the most self-conscious people, and I'm very careful to not make myself look bad in front of others, but God loves me for the insecure person I am. It is something I need to work on, and every day I am trying to become a more courageous, honest, selfless person, but I can't do this by my own power.

I hope to see my match one day, a day when I have matured and do not have this selfish longing. I want to look back at this piece of writing full of angst and...just a mess of teenage feelings basically and smile. Smile at how I’ve changed. Smile at how he will surprise me in how he is everything I have ever wished for, and far more.